Fight the New Drug
Jul 30, 2023
Frequent porn use tends to escalate. Because of porn’s addictive nature, viewers usually need an ever-increasing dosage over time in order to feel the same level of enjoyment, and they often have to seek out more extreme and hard-core forms of porn. Users can reach a point where they enjoy porn less and less, but want it more and more. - excerpt from Fight the New Drug (this organization is doing a fantastic job helping folks understand the dangerous impacts of porn)
We've come across a well-respected Marriage Expert who has suggested that addiction is not a concern when including your spouse to watch porn to enhance lovemaking. We strongly disagree with this suggestion.
Actually, Andy Stanley sums up our belief about porn in his book called Love, Sex & Dating. Since he is a much better communicator than I am I'll simply share an excerpt from his book.
Guys, if you plan to bring your erotic imagery pastime into what you hope will be a long-term relationship, either a marriage or otherwise, tell your partner up-front. Tell her the truth. Giver her the option to choose whether she wants to compete with servers full of erotic imagery. Once you're sure she's the one, take her out for a nice, romantic dinner. During dessert, take her by the hand, look into her eyes, and say, "You know how I feel about you. You're the woman of my dreams. Because I feel the way I do about you, there's something I need to tell you that I've never told another woman. A real female body will never satisfy me. One female body will never satisfy me. Your body will never satisfy me. So while I'm sure sex will be enjoyable, it won't be enough to satisfy me. Just thought you should know.
You think I'm kidding, don't you? I'm not. You expect her to tell you about her credit card debt, don't you? After all, her financial issues become your issues if you get married. So why wouldn't you tell her about your favorite pastime? Just tell her. Lower her expectations. There's only two reasons you wouldn't tell her. Either you think a real body will free you from your private pastime, or you're afraid of her response. If you're afraid of how she will respond before you limit her options with vows and a ring, you should be terrified of how she will respond to your secret after the caterer is paid and the band is on their way home. You may get a little credit for being transparent if you tell her up-front. But you ain't gonna get nothing but couch time if she discovers your secret later. And she will discover it. Marriage has a way of uncovering singles' secrets. Carrying secrets into a long-term relationship of any type is a terrible idea.
Your best option, of course, is to accept erotic imagery for what it is and walk away. If that's difficult to do, then perhaps you should hit pause on your relationship until this habit is in the rearview mirror. You can't give yourself fully to someone else as long as you are mastered by something else. In this way, breaking the imagery habit is an important step in your quest to become the person the person you're looking for is looking for.
And it's not just men watching porn. Saddleback Pastor Rick Warren's wife, Kay, shared her struggle with porn in Christianity Today.
Still not sure porn is damaging to watch? Read this insightful article below on How Porn Affects the Brain like a Drug by Fight the New Drug.
It may sound crazy, but porn affects the brain in ways very similar to harmful substances like tobacco. Studies have shown that porn stimulates the same areas of the brain as addictive drugs, making the brain release the same chemicals. And just like drugs, porn triggers pathways in the brain that cause craving, leading users back for more and more extreme “hits” to get high.
On the surface, tobacco and porn don’t seem to have much in common. One is kept behind the counter at the gas station or supermarket because of its well-known harmful effects; the other is available virtually anywhere. One can quickly become an expensive habit while the other comes free with an internet connection. And let’s be honest, Hugh Hefner doesn’t exactly conjure images of a secretive tobacco executive.
So where’s the similarity? Inside the brain.
In case you’re not a neurosurgeon, here’s a crash course in how the brain works. Deep inside your brain, there’s something called a “reward center.” [1] You’ve got one. Your dog’s got one. For mammals, it comes standard. The reward center’s job is to release “pleasure” chemicals into your brain whenever you do something healthy, like eating tasty food, doing a hard workout, or enjoying a kiss. [2] The “high” you get from that chemical rush makes you want to repeat that behavior again and again. [3] Thanks to your reward center, your brain is hardwired to motivate you to do things that will improve your health and chances of survival. [4] It’s a great system…normally.
The problem is, the brain can be tricked. Read on...
Learn new communication skills you can immediately apply in your marriage and some harder skills (with practice) that will transform your marriage.
